Where life takes you. Dara Fisher on bullying, growing up with gay parents and the New Kids on the Block.
One of my favorite television shows is Doctor Who. It's about a Time Lord from Gallifrey that travels around in time and space in his Tardis, a blue police box. There is an episode in which the soul of the Tardis is put into the physical body of a woman which allows the Doctor and the Tardis to talk to each other for the first time. During their conversation, the Doctor tells the Tardis, “You never take me where I want to go!” and she responds with, “I may not take you where you want to go but I always take you where you need to go!” What a great line....an amazing line really.
In life, we
don't always end up where we want to go but we always end up where we needed to
go. I have found that to be a great
lesson in this life.
When I was a kid, having gay parents was difficult. I grew up around amazing people and had such wonderful experiences but because of bigotry, the best part of my life was something I had to keep hidden. I didn't talk about my parents the way other kids did because I was terrified that someone would find out that I lived in the gay community. I grew up in Oklahoma which is probably one of the most religious places in the World. Though religion certainly wasn't one of the popular topics at school, Christianity was always the backdrop of our lives. Every day I felt like I had this huge secret that could never be found out. Unfortunately, as with most secrets, it found its way into the World. I didn't come out of the closet, I was thrown out by someone I considered my best friend and sadly, it really wasn't her fault.
When I was a kid, having gay parents was difficult. I grew up around amazing people and had such wonderful experiences but because of bigotry, the best part of my life was something I had to keep hidden. I didn't talk about my parents the way other kids did because I was terrified that someone would find out that I lived in the gay community. I grew up in Oklahoma which is probably one of the most religious places in the World. Though religion certainly wasn't one of the popular topics at school, Christianity was always the backdrop of our lives. Every day I felt like I had this huge secret that could never be found out. Unfortunately, as with most secrets, it found its way into the World. I didn't come out of the closet, I was thrown out by someone I considered my best friend and sadly, it really wasn't her fault.
When I was
in 5th grade, my Mom got me two tickets to go to the concert of the
year at the Myriad in Oklahoma City. It
was the New Kids on the Block and if you didn't go, you just weren't one of the
cool kids! The day my Mom told me that
she had gotten the tickets, I was so excited that I immediately ran to the
phone to call my best friend, April. I
had two tickets and there was only one person I could imagine taking with me,
my best friend. When I called April and
told her what I had in my little hands, she screamed in excitement and asked
her Mom if she could go. Her Mom said
“No.” Huh? What?
What do you mean, no? We just
couldn't figure out why April's Mom wouldn't let her go. There was a few weeks before the concert so
we held out hope that April's Mom would change her mind but it just wasn't to
be. On the day of the concert, our
little school was buzzing with excitement.
The school I went to was nothing but 5th graders and almost
everyone was going to the concert, except April. I felt bad for April but I couldn't change
her Mom's mind so my friend Shawna went with me. Shawna was another close friend of mine who
also happened to have gay parents and was part of our family circle. We went to the concert on a Friday night and
had a blast. It's still one of my
fondest memories...well other than my Mom washing the clothes I had set out to
wear that night and ending up having to wear purple corduroy pants and a white ruffled
church blouse to the concert. We spent
the rest of the weekend being girls and talking all about NKOTB.
On Monday
morning, I went to school as usual but when I walked into the school there
seemed to be a weird vibe. Everyone was
staring at me and even though I was smiling and saying hi to everyone, nobody
was really speaking back to me. This
went on until lunch when I walked up to April to tell her about the concert and
she yelled at me, “I wasn't allowed to go to the concert because your Dad's a
faggot!” You could have heard a pin drop
with the silence that took over the lunchroom.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut so hard that I literally
couldn't breathe. Not only was my secret
out but EVERYONE knew and the laughter followed. To this day, I still hear the word faggot and
it reminds me of that moment. Beyond the
shock of having my family's secret yelled like that, I was absolutely horrified
that my best friend had just called my Dad a faggot. What the hell? Nobody calls my Dad a faggot and walks away
with their teeth. Had we not been
standing in front of the entire school, I probably would have punched her but
at that point, the only reaction I could render was to cry. I was embarrassed all the way to my toes.
That day
was the beginning of some of the worst times of my life. I was bullied relentlessly and it wasn't just
verbally, I was being physically hurt.
After the lunchroom scene, I made it my goal in life to stay as far out
of sight as possible. When I walked in
the hallway, I kept my head down. I
didn't raise my hand in class anymore.
My grades slipped horribly and I became painfully shy. If I did have to speak in front of the class,
I would have panic attacks because I knew what my classmates thought of
me. I only spoke to my friends who were
part of the gay community and understood the pain I was suffering through. In my school, there was a boy who targeted me
and hurt me a lot. One day I was putting
my books in my locker and he slammed my locker door on my hand. It was so swollen that I couldn't write for a
week. When my Dad came to the school to
deal with it, the Principal told my Dad that me getting hurt was his fault for
being a pervert. As time went on, the
abuse I suffered from that same kid got worse and worse and worse. It culminated in me being shoved down a
flight of stairs and being hurt bad enough that I had to go to the
hospital. The boy who did it was never
disciplined at all even though I had pretty severe injuries and being pushed
down stairs could have actually killed me.
That was the done point for my parents.
My Terri had enough and he decided to take matters into his own
hands. Terri had driven me to school the
day I returned from my accelerated trip down the stairs. Usually he would just drop me off and head
home. That day he got out of the car
after I had walked into the school and stormed the Principal's office. I remember the look on his face as he charged
down the hallway. I didn't know exactly
what he was up to but I knew that whoever was about to be on the receiving end
of that one was going to seriously regret it.
Mom told me afterward that Terri had gone into that Principal's office
and told him that if his daughter ever so much as had another hair on her head
harmed, he was going to personally take action.
The language Terri used can't be written in polite society but I do
believe he got his point across. That
boy never came near me again...ever.
Though I still had to deal with all the comments and verbal insults, my
body stayed safe and at that point, I was okay with that.
I spent the
rest of 5th grade and most of 6th grade avoiding
people. My social anxiety was about as
bad as it could get and I found that my books were much better company that
most people. When I was in 6th
grade we moved to California and what a relief it was. Moving to California meant that I got a new
start where nobody would know who I was and who my family was.
The majority of the bullying ended when we moved
from Oklahoma to California. Well, at
least the gay bashing part of the bullying.
The social anxiety issues I developed as a result of the abuse stayed
with me and it caused me to retreat into myself as a defense mechanism. I had friends but only a few because I no
longer had the ability to trust people.
I'm 33 years old now and I still have the same mentality when it comes
to letting people into my inner circle.
I have my best friends, Domita and Naisha plus a few from my school
years like Valerie.
I hate
bullying. It is easily one of my biggest
pet peeves. When I was in high school, I
was known for standing up for my friends who were being picked on. In fact, all the discipline issues I had in
school was a result of me defending my friends.
Because of what I had gone through, I had a deep sense of what was right
and what was wrong. To this day my
friends still tell me that I am one of the few people who have a clear
definition of right and wrong. It's hard
to put into words how the trauma of bullying taught me to be a better person
but I know that I am. My Mom always told
me that the only way around something was through it and boy did I go through
it. God knows I didn't want to go
through all the bullying but in the end, I needed to. I needed to see that side of the story so I
could come out on the other side a better being. What I went through as a kid has shaped a lot
of my childrens' lives because of the lessons I learned. I know that a kind heart speaks kind words. The way you treat people doesn't make you a
better person, it makes you a better soul.
The thing you think is the worst possible problem in the World, is
ultimately just a drop in the bucket over the course of your lifetime. I also know that life doesn't always take you
where you want to go, but it will ALWAYS take you where you need to go.
Dara Fisher. A 33 year old Mother of 3 amazing children with her Prince Charming Keith.
They live right outside of Palm Springs, California. Dara has degrees in Anthropology, Liberal Arts, and Business Administration.
She works full time in the Hospitality Industry and attends college classes in pursuit of her MBA when she's not busy being Super Mom.
She spend her spare time crocheting, quilting, and making a mess with pretty much anything she can get my hands into. She is a huge Doctor Whofan and can't eat while watching The Walking Dead.
Oh and she also happens to be the daughter of gay parents and the Mother of a child with Asbergers Syndrome and ADHD
Dara Fisher. A 33 year old Mother of 3 amazing children with her Prince Charming Keith.
They live right outside of Palm Springs, California. Dara has degrees in Anthropology, Liberal Arts, and Business Administration.
She works full time in the Hospitality Industry and attends college classes in pursuit of her MBA when she's not busy being Super Mom.
She spend her spare time crocheting, quilting, and making a mess with pretty much anything she can get my hands into. She is a huge Doctor Whofan and can't eat while watching The Walking Dead.
Oh and she also happens to be the daughter of gay parents and the Mother of a child with Asbergers Syndrome and ADHD
Boy, if anyone ever had to figure out how to take a bad circumstance and use it as an opportunity to grow....it was you! What better thing to do with our time here than grow our Souls, eh?! Thanks for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I've always felt that spending our limited time resources on negativity is a waste. I'd much rather find a way to be happy in every circumstance I'm in. =-)
ReplyDelete