Monday, March 5, 2012

It's Him....our adoption story

I can still, so vividly, remember the day I received the photo..
It came via text messaging which I quickly turned around and emailed myself in order get a larger look.

I opened the image and looked with a mixture of amazement, fear and disbelief.
A few moments later I finally shared it with my Husband.
Look what she sent me, i said..
It's him..
Ben 5 months old


















We both spent a few silent moments gazing at the image.
You see we had not even met the woman on the other end of the text,
I had only exchanged a few polite messages with her up until that point.

How did we come to receive this photo?
An acquaintance of ours was related to this young woman.

She knew we had been trying to grow our family, 
and she also knew her sister had not wanted to grow hers.

Rather than play the middle man she asked her sister if she could give us her number,
to which she agreed.

sat with that number for nearly a full day.
You would have thought I would have jumped on it but I didn't, I sat.

What would I say to her?

I heard you wanted to give up your baby?

What a tiny approach to such a giant thought.

Do I bring up the fact that we were two married men now?
What if that crushes our hopes?
What if that idea was unacceptable to her?

I was so consumed by all the questions that I just sat there frozen and fearful.

Two adjectives that I would have never used to describe myself before that day,
But this situation, this opportunity, had the potential of shaking all the leaves from my tree.
If it worked out, my life, our lives would never be the same.
And it was that very truth that turned me into a scared and still man..

I eventually mustered up the cowardly nerve to text her..
I introduced myself..
took a shot at a sincere attempt at understanding how incredibly difficult this decision must be for her.
And thanked her for considering us.


She responded quickly and after a few exchanges asked when we'd like to get together.

Thank God the ice was broken.
I suddenly felt safe behind my phone and asked if it could be soon.
It had dawned on me that if this was going to happen we would have to be proactive and quick.

I already knew she had tried to abort this child...she was too far along.


I also knew she had already reached out to an adoption agency.


If we were going to have a chance at convincing her that we would be the perfect family for her unborn baby we would have very little time to waste.

We agreed to meet at a coffee house the next afternoon.

Would you like to see a picture of him she texted next,
A recent sonogram photo,

I said yes.


*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      * 

And there we were, my Husband and I looking at this little forming stanger who suddenly entered our lives like a cold rush of air though a crack in a window.

In the privacy of our own home, 
without having yet met the woman carrying him,
we were lookin at his photo..

I asked my Husband how he felt?
he was thoughtful and rather quiet and said he wasn't sure.
I remember I actually said,
what if this is the first time were looking at our son?
What is this is the first of our one million photos of him?

Shouldn't we be excited?
Happy?
Should we tell anybody?
Should we forward this picture to your mother? 
What if she's going to be a Grandmother?

But truthfully we weren't happy, we were too afraid to let happiness in.
And we didn't share the news,
as a matter of fact there were many people who knew nothing until the day that we brought that 5 pound baby boy home from the hospital.

So many variables with scenarios like this,
so many what ifs between the moment the possibility shows itself,
and the lofty, far away idea of he actually being ours.

What if we can't afford it?
What if she doesn't like us?
What if she changes her mind?
What if, God forbid, something happens to the baby?

What if.. what if.. what if..?

We were so lost in the uncertainties that we lost sight of the dream, our dream.

On that now amazing day,
we were indeed looking into our babies face for the very first time.

He soon would be ours..he is ours..

And out of all the millions of pictures we already have in his short 4 months here on Earth,
This first photo,
our first photo will always mean more than you could possibly understand.

Namaste


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