Tuesday, February 14, 2012

To live dying or to die living

My Mother lived dying.

Her Mother, My Grandmother, Juana Bueno Perez died at the age of sixty two.

My Mother beat her.

As long as I can remember my Mom would say that she was going to die young just like her Mother.
She said that often, she believed it to be true and so it became truth.

But that was her story and these are mine.

Anna Maria Bueno Amador
my Mother

"Wake up Henry, she's gone."

Those were the words I heard by the Hospice nurse not ten minutes after I had, unwillingly, closed my eyes.
Exhaustion had gotten the best of me.

I knew my Mother would soon be gone, I had stayed awake and by her side for a day and a half.

Its funny how people still show such great concern for the living, when the dying lie just steps away.
Almost as if, siding with life, afraid of death grabbing hold.

"You need your rest young man."
"Have you eaten anything?"
"Why don't you go home for a while."

All those things made very little sense to me as I watched my Mother slipping away.

That time with her was miraculous for me..... I sat by her side and told her all the things I feared in life.
I shined a light on all my deepest, darkest places.

I knew she could hear me and  the words I spoke now would make her spirit all the more powerful when she was gone from my sight.

I knew my Mother would be my fiercest ally in death, much more profound then she was in life.

I do not believe that death reveals all.
I do not believe that things should ever be left un-said.
I do not believe that when you look down from Heaven that you are now all seeing, all knowing.

Words must be spoken in the here and the now.

There is no bliss in ignorance.

What we don't know can hurt us.

Those are lies created out of the fear that we are not worthy, that we are not good enough, that if we reveal all that we are, we will be left... alone.

This is one of humanities saddest truths, we are afraid of being alone, of dying alone.

Today, early nine years to the day of her death I am still uncovering things un-said.
I am still learning truths.. her truths, hidden out of love and protection for her only real reason for existing,
me .... her Son.
I am learning how keeping some things to ourselves can kill us, always spiritually and sometimes physically.
I am still. and will be for quite some time, seeing just were all these new pieces fit into my puzzle..

I do however promise this..
I will leave no words un-spoken.
I will not fear the consequences of such words.
I will never fear being alone, for within me lives my Mother.
And I will (for her) one day....many years from now, die living.